Loving Wisely and Well

My high school AP English Teacher gave us an assignment I'll never forget. The essay question was: Is it possible to love both wisely and well?

Loving well implies giving your entire self to the process, falling head over heels and experiencing incredible highs (as well as setting yourself up for some incredible lows if it doesn't pan out). Loving wisely implies being cautious, asking questions, and paying attention. And that's exactly what women learn to do once they've been burned for loving an undeserving man too well.

One of the most amazing people I've met through my work is relationship coach Lauren Frances. She points out to her clients that the 3 little words you really need to hear in a relationship aren't "I Love You" anymore. They're "Wants Marriage: Definitely." Because that's the one value you must share in order to end up together, and the one point that can cause more heartache than anything else if you're not on the same page. She even designed a "Heartache Prevention Question" to help women get a straight answer on the topic, because apparently I'm not the only one who's been misled.

In New York City, marriage is verging on obsolete with more and more men. We are all hyper-connected to strangers via Facebook, online dating sites, and other technology, so anyone less than 100% sure about settling down has all the ammunition he needs to continue his playboy lifestyle into his 40s -- or even beyond. If your goal isn't marriage and children, then go for it. Have your fun. But be like one of my other exes and own it. He tells every woman up front that he's not a marriage person, so you know what you're signing up for from the get-go.

Still, I find it sad that so many others can't be as blunt. I had asked my most recent ex on our first date how he feels about marriage. His response? "I think I'm just about there." That sounded like a green light to me, but it was yellow at best. A green light sounds like this: "I'm definitely ready."

I know men who were committed to their girlfriends, wanted to end up together, and just needed a little extra time before taking the next step -- whether it was getting engaged or moving in together. But this was different. This was someone not even emotionally mature enough to be faithful, honest, or committed.

If you're in a place in life where you're ready to take the next step, there's no point dating someone who isn't. As much as it sucks, not everyone enters a relationship with the same expectations, and not everyone knows himself well enough to come right out and share what those expectations are. There is a certain amount of reading between the lines that you have to master in order to see a person as he truly is -- and not just as he presents himself to be.