It Gets Better

When you first start dating again after a breakup, you're most likely going to go on tons of dud dates before you meet the right guy. You're probably going to have to deal with rejection, as some guys you end up liking will inevitably drop off the face of the earth or give you the old fashioned slow fade after you've been hooking up for a few weeks. Sigh.

But it gets better.

So put down the cookie dough, girl! Be friendly and kind to the guys you date, while keeping your feelings in check until they really begin to invest some of their own. Expect some things to go wrong, and allow yourself the emotional wiggle room to deal with whatever comes. I promise you, even if it seems like you're not meeting anyone worth your time, you will. And if a few you thought were promising end up just being disappointing, that's ok! Remember, you prepared for this.

Just keep meeting people, keep an open mind, and keep your thoughts positive and focused on what you're looking for. You will find it.

Use It (Your Phone) Or Lose It (My Number)

WTF is up with guys and not calling?

I understand that if you've only been dating a few weeks, a guy might need a day or two to himself each week with no communication. Fine. A day or two. But not three or four. Once you cross the line of hooking up with someone you have to check in. For one thing, it's common courtesy. And for another -- it's assumed that if you like someone enough to jump in bed with them, you might actually think about them when they're not with you. JUST A THOUGHT.

I met a guy who seemed to be down to hang out all the time. When I'd see him, if I mentioned I was in his hood the day before, he'd ask why I didn't stop by. Every time we'd hang out, he'd ask what I'm doing the next night. Of course I didn't expect to hang out 2 nights in a row after just a few dates and assumed he was joking. If he was really serious, I'd gladly have seen him the next night. I liked the dude. But like I said, I assumed he was joking. And here's why: HE DIDN'T CALL.

Despite how interested he'd act on our dates, the next day, without fail, he'd go incommunicato. Meanwhile, other guys I'd met would be blowing up my phone to make plans or even just to say hi. But not this one. He'd wait a day or two just to send one measly text. I have to be honest, it was a huge turnoff.

I try to be understanding of men -- their need for personal space, their schedules, their inability to complete simple tasks like having conversations. But really, enough bullshit. If you like a girl, call her. If you hate talking on the phone, text her (more than a one-sentence convo, if it's not too much trouble). Once you've taken a girl's pants off, I think there should be a strict rule that you can't go more than 24 hours without a simple "can't wait to see you" or "how's your day going?" text. If you don't like a girl enough to want to chat on off days, you have no business taking off her pants at all.

Red Flags

What types of comments make you want to cut and run? Not just because the date is boring, his haircut sucks, or you want to get home in time for Real Housewives. But because you think you already know the reason you're going to break up with the guy and you haven't even started dating him yet?

Here are some I've personally heard:

All my exes are crazy.

My mom really wants me to get married. I'm hoping one of my siblings gets married first to take the pressure off me.

My last girlfriend and I are best friends now.

mmmk.

I have had to train myself to see these comments for what they are and not assume things will change. Because they never do. So you can take the risk of dating him, knowing this flaw is almost certain to come back to bite you in the ass. Or you can wait for the guy who simply hasn't met the right person yet, has no strings attached to his past, and is ready to see you for what you truly are: AWESOME. Because that is how the right guy will feel about you, and anyone else simply doesn't deserve your time.

How You Doin?

He could be a perfectly nice 5'2" man, and he's certainly one flashy motherfucker but I couldn't help posting this online dating profile for your viewing pleasure.

Whatever UR Loss

This is an actual message I received from a guy whose IMs I ignored on an online dating site (for good reason!)

Dating Advice from... Deena Cortese

"I don't have sex on the first night. It's not Halloween!"

If We're Going to Talk on the Phone

...have something else to joke about besides Justin Bieber.

How to Decode His Facebook Profile

Facebook is a great way to quickly suss out a new guy’s level of commitment and shadiness, as long as you know where to look. Luckily, you have me for that! 3 crucial social media "checkpoints" for key stages in your relationship:

At the Beginning: Take Note of His Privacy Settings
It’s fair (and even smart) to limit some profile settings when you first friend a new guy you barely know. So go ahead and hide those questionable albums from your friend’s bachelorette party in Vegas, and assume he may have done the same. But if his wall, tagged photos, and/or friend list are hidden from everyone, you might want to ask yourself (or him) why.

While You’re Dating: Watch Who Appears In His Feed & Chat Window
Facebook’s algorithm learns which friends you’re most interested in by how often you interact with them, then places updates from those friends at the top of your newsfeed. Same goes for the chat window – generally, only friends you’ve interacted with frequently or recently show up in the top section. So if you notice that every time he checks his Facebook account, a certain ex or other female he never seems to mention keeps popping up in the top spot, you might want to learn a little more about their relationship and proceed with caution.

Once You’re Serious: Expect Some Evidence of Your Relationship
Some guys are just not into Facebook. They’re simply not the type to tell the world they’re “In a Relationship” or declare their love for you via mushy status update, and that’s OK. However, once your relationship is getting serious (when you’ve met friends and family and have said I Love You) it’s time to see some evidence of you on the ‘book. Nudge him to upload that album of pictures from your weekend at the beach, and see how he reacts. Or, go ahead and do it yourself and tag him in the photos. Does he Like them? Comment on them? All good signs. But if he squirms at the idea of uploading photos of you two or un-tags himself in yours, that’s a big sign that he’s not ready for commitment.

I Would Literally Have to Die

...if anyone ever saw what I Google.

What Causes a Lack of Commitment?

A lot of women were pretty frustrated over this post on one of Cosmo's message boards. And by a lot of women I mean me.

A woman who describes herself as "in a really great, secure relationship of one year" says "it's hard to be openly happy about it because many women around me are in longer relationships, but can't get their guys to commit. It's to the point where it is causing problems for them." Damn right it's causing problems for us!

She theorizes that it might have something to do with the women, since "a guy can seem to hate the idea of commitment with one women that he'll be with for a long time, but when they break up, he'll turn around and get engaged to someone else a month later."

Well, yeah. Because once you lose the closest thing you've ever had to a wife, you consequently feel the biggest emptiness you've felt after a breakup. And that experience is often what makes a man turn around and feel ready to commit to someone.

I'm not saying it's not possible that these women might be lacking something too. For example, we may be lacking the ability to not notice when guys cheat or lie. Or we may be lacking the ability to dress like total hos because we have actual jobs. These are just examples.

Seriously, though, commitment = maturity = loyalty = willpower. Nobody you meet will be perfect, so what makes them feel perfect to you is your emotional outlook. And these men are just not emotionally ready. That's all there is to it.

The Other Women

When you first meet a guy, you assume he's seeing other people. You just don't usually know who those people are. But in New York City, when you date online, you do.

There are three girls who I'm pretty sure have dated all the same men I have. Or at least, with zero exaggeration, every guy I've dated knows at least one out of the three. And now, for the first time, it seems we're all single. And every time I add a new guy on Facebook, there go the same three female friends at the top of his list.

It's getting weird.

I almost want to start a book club with them, or have brunches or something. I just want to be like, alright I get him, and you get him, and what about the accountant from New Jersey, who's taking him?

Words with Enemies

I should have known a guy who cheats at Words with Friends would cheat on me, too.

The Extended Adolescence of Men

"There are four awful words — ‘Boys will be boys’ — that people use for making sense of what’s happening."

A few Facebook friends shared this article from Philadelphia Magazine about the sorry state of single men in America. But it focuses on the slacker type -- men who still live at home, play video games, and are not financially ambitious -- Um, forgive me but isn't that type of guy pretty easy to spot? It's the man who did move out, has his own place, found success in his career, and STILL wants to stay single well into his 30s that's more concerning. These men also never want to grow up, but based on appearances you'd never know it.

Why would any guy want to be like Peter Pan, anyway? He wears tights, and he's a ginger for god's sake! Just what part of growing up is so scary? They all say they "eventually" want to get married and have kids, and they've already accomplished everything else in their lives that traditionally has served as a milestone to adulthood: Graduating college, moving out on their own, and finding successful careers. So why is marriage, the final frontier, so unappealing?

Don't tell me that men are biologically wired to want to "spread their seed" (barf). We all know in science you only have to prove a theory wrong once to prove it wrong, and there are plenty of men who want faithful, committed relationships. So instead of calling these Peter Pan-type men the norm, let's call them what they really are: The exception. The defect. The anomaly. And let's stop placating to their immaturity and saying "boys will be boys" and making jokes about it. Because it's not funny.

I'd Like to Buy a Vowel...

One of my exes checked in to see how I was doing (See! I do have nice ones!) and to inquire about the status of my lifelong dream to appear on Wheel of Fortune.

Sadly, that dream is still unfulfilled. But about how I'm doing...

I'm doing well.

In fact, I'm pretty impressed with myself, if we're being honest. While breakups do get harder as you get older, because you're only pursuing relationships with those who have serious potential to be the one, the recovery process does get easier. It doesn't hurt less, though. If anything, it hurts more. But you know that you've been through it before and will get through it again, and if any past boyfriend was a prime example of that, it was this one who just IMed me to joke about Wheel of Fortune.

I dated him when I first moved back to New York City out of college. I was so young and inexperienced with relationships. I didn't feel established in my personal life or career and was still so much a work in progress that I had no clue what I wanted in a guy. So of course, that's when I met him.

He was my first real, true love. He was amazing, and the standard I measure all other boyfriends against. Good looking, kind, generous, funny, outgoing, easy going, athletic and successful. But we were thrown a few curve balls and went through a hard time that my 23-year-old self didn't know how to handle. So we broke up. And I regretted it.

But now he's married with children and happy, which is exactly what he deserves to be. I can see pictures of his kids without feeling sad or regretful, because he met the right match for him. And I can say that he's one of the best men I've ever met -- a loyal, honest, good person -- and that I'm lucky to have dated him, all while knowing that my right match is yet to come.

The Tug

The hardest part of a breakup is the tug. Those times you find yourself just sitting in bed watching TV, or walking down the street on a random afternoon, and suddenly can think of nothing else but the other person's absence from your life. That's the tug.

There are a few things you can do when you feel it. You can distract yourself and get busier. You can focus on the negatives about him. Or you can read what goes through other people's minds when they think about their exes on websites like this:

I still think we’re perfect for each other, even though I broke up with you. Where’s the sense in that?

I worked in a job I hated for eight years to support you. You repaid me by sleeping with your co-worker. I told you later that I’d lost my faith in people. The saddest part was, I hadn’t lost my faith in you.

Once that one person has become everything to you, the struggle is to take them off the pedestal and make them seem just like everybody else again. And believe me, it's a struggle. But seeing other people struggling with the same thing can help put your pain in perspective. When you think of how many people break up on any given day, and how your other past relationships have all evolved from regrets/mistakes/failures to just memories, you can give yourself faith that this, too, shall pass. And you will eventually let go of the rope.

How Will I Know?

I keep a playlist called "Brand New Shit" in my iPod at all times. Simply put, it's where I download my freshest new tracks to listen to.

Naturally, certain songs become the soundtrack to certain times in our lives, and the songs in "Brand New Shit" are no exception. Consider this:

When I first starting seeing my ex, I had just downloaded a dance remix of Whitney Houston's "How Will I Know" (...if he really loves me?). There couldn't have been a better indication of what was to come. I listened to that song smiling like a dumbass on my way to the airport for our trip to Mexico, thinking about how excited I was for this relationship. Then, during the last week of our relationship, Whitney Houston flat-out died.

I'm not going to connect the dots for you, but that says it all. Or, rather, Whitney said it all: "Don't trust your feelings... love can be deceiving." I knew I was in love after a month of dating, but after 9 months of dating I still hadn't heard a peep on the topic from my ex. In this case, it was words (or a lack thereof) that spoke louder than actions, and it taught me that both are equally important.

On Snooping

In a healthy relationship, there is no snooping. When you have two-way trust, it's something you can feel. You know you're with a man who means what he says and says what he means and you have no reason to be suspicious. You don't have a shaky feeling when he goes out for a guy's night, and you don't have sirens going off in your brain when he says "nothing happened" at that bachelor party. Trust your female intuition -- it's a powerful thing.

Now, on to snooping. I'm sure there are a small number of women who have snooped out of their own insecurities. But not me. I have only snooped when I knew exactly what I was looking for and just needed confirmation. Trust is a basic right in a relationship, and if someone violates it, you have a right to get the facts.

On our first date, my ex and I actually discussed snooping. I don't remember how it came up, but he mentioned that his last girlfriend had gone through his text messages while they were dating. This was a huge red flag because I know exactly what prompts a woman to snoop: Lies. And other women. I wish I paid more attention.

But of course, there are some lessons we all learn the hard way. I don't know why I was so surprised to find out he'd been lying to me, too. But I'm glad I snooped, or else I never would have known.

So a word of caution: Snooping shouldn't be a habit. It should be a one-time thing or last resort. And know that if you do decide to forgive him for what you've found, you'll have two strikes against you going into phase 2 of your relationship -- not only will you find it hard to let go of the information you acquired, but he'll now have trust issues with you for snooping, however unfair that may be. I'll talk more about snooping and forgiveness in an upcoming post, so stay tuned.

Long Island Gay

I coined the term "Long Island Gay" to describe a common phenomenon in New York City. Let me explain.

Jewish men from Long Island who grew up with some money are often raised by glamorous, exceedingly feminine, doting mothers. These mothers then pass on many of these qualities to their sons, who grow up slightly metro, very brand-conscious, and just a bit effeminate.

The last part is the tricky one, as it can manifest in various ways -- some more acceptable than others. At best, he'll be impeccably dressed with a cool sense of style and polished appearance thanks to regular manscaping and haircuts that cost more than your jeans.

But at worst, he might be a label whore who wears Prada shield sunglasses, forgoes actual workouts because in his mind he looks like Rambo, and is so over-confident thanks to a high school nose job that he thinks he's the best thing since sliced challah. But not so much.

Somewhere in the middle are perfectly nice guys, who might just spend a little too much time with mom or their dermatologist to be considered a man's man. They're good looking guys who might just go a little too far with the hair gel. They're sensitive guys who might need to pop one of your Midol every now and then. Is that something you can deal with?